What’s in a Name

She was so beautiful. Her long blonde hair, gorgeous eyes, and pretty smile. She was wearing a cute skirt and top with the Keds tennis shoes on her feet. It was the first day of 2nd grade and I was drawn to her. I thought she was cute but I wasn’t drawn to her because I found her attractive, no, I wanted to be her. She was stuck in my mind for many years and I never forgot her, even to this day.

I was talking with a good friend from high school and she asked me how I chose my name. I referred back to that girl from elementary school and how I admired her so much. Her name was Ashley.

The name spoke to me. It carried with it the idea of a fancy princess. The daughter of elegance and royalty. I wanted to be a pretty princess. I wanted people to look on me and admire the beauty that had been bestowed upon me.

My brother is 9 years younger than me. Had he been born a girl, my mother would’ve named him Ashley. I so hoped he would’ve been a girl because I loved that name and I wanted it in my life. He was not, but it is probably for the best, for I may have been more jealous and more dysphoric than I already was.

When I embraced my natural state, and contemplated that I might transition, I jumped at the opportunity to take the name that had been in my life for so long. It felt good to think of myself as that pretty girl with the elegant name. Of course the next battle was to figure out what my middle name should be.

Thinking on my middle name, I wanted something that would roll off the tongue really well, and match my first name to complement it. I tried a bunch of different names but nothing felt right until I finally came across Nicole. It blended well with Ashley and felt very elegant and nice. As a nod to my Czech heritage, and my paternal grandmother who I adored so much, I chose to change the spelling based off of the Czech version of the name Nicole. I spelled it Nikole.

I knew that my mother had wanted to name me April. I liked the name April, but there were already too many Aprils in my life and it felt odd to use it. A few months later, while sitting at lunch with my mother, I brought up the topic of my name. I knew that she wanted to name me April but I did not know what middle name she wanted to choose for me. I asked her what middle name she had chosen for me if I would have been born a girl. She looked at me and said, Nicole.

In that moment, it was as if God was confirming that the path I was on, was the path that He wanted me on. Here I was, becoming the person that I always believed I was deep down inside, but was so afraid to show to the world. Being able to choose a new name, a name that my own mother liked enough to choose for one of her children, was an amazing experience. To top it all off, I had chosen a middle name that my mother has chosen for me without me ever knowing.

Getting to be myself, is an immense treat. Living authentically, no longer filled with depression or anxiety, is a blessing far beyond any other blessings I have received. I have a name placed upon me, that not only had my mother chosen but I also believe God confirmed my path with, is something that I do not think I could ever make happen on my own. To God be the glory in my life.