The Fish Hook

Posted on September 11, 2014 Updated on September 6, 2014

The fish hook is an interesting utensil.

I remember going fishing with my grandfather. I was no older than 5 or 6. Even after his death, I still fished with friends. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do but I got to hang out with other people so that was something. When I think of fishing I think of these memories and I think of the fish hook.

The fish hook always scared me because if you got it stuck in you, it hurt so much to pull it out. In fact, it’s designed not to come out once it goes through. It is a J shaped piece of metal that has a hoop on one end (where you tie the fishing line on) and a sharp point and barb on the other end. It’s a one way only utensil. That is where the scary part comes in. My grandfather told me how to remove a fish hook if I ever got one stuck in me. You take a pair of pliers, cut the loop end off and then push the hook through your skin and slide it out the other side. In other words, push it further through your skin to pull it out.

I never got a fish hook stuck in my skin, but I’ve seen the procedure happen to others, and while it was horrible to look at and painful for that person, they survived it and even better, came out better in the end than if they had tried to back the hook out. The barb on the hook would’ve torn up the skin and left a gaping wound.

So why are we talking about fish hooks Ashley?

I know people are always questioning me. I am always questioning me. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. When it comes to my dysphoria, my transition, my life, I am always wondering if I am doing the right thing. It doesn’t make sense. On the one hand it does, but on the other, it doesn’t. I often wondered why I couldn’t just back it out and remove the pain of needing to be a girl. I mean, I got into this somehow. Can I not just backup and be done with it? Can’t I just stop messing with the girl stuff, stop trying to dress like a girl, act like a girl, BE a girl?

Like that fish hook, the less painful and damaging way is to move forward and go through the process. See, if I back up the fish hook, that little barb on the end will tear up my skin. The mess it would leave behind would be big and nasty. However, pulling it out the other way, leaves a small hole where it went in and a small hole where it came out. I know if I would’ve fought my dysphoria more, I would’ve come to a place where I felt there was absolutely no hope in fixing it in this earthly life, and I may have succumbed to the same pressures that cause so many to take their lives before me. At the least, I would’ve been a terrible spouse, horrible parent, and ultimately, THAT, would’ve been my legacy. Moving forward allows me to heal. My body gets the neuro and hormonal chemicals it is expecting. I get to be authentic with others. I get to continue to live. Most of all, my children get a loving parent who is so alive that it rubs off on them and they are light for Jesus in this world too.

Yes, it hurts at time. However, the path I have chosen gives me the best opportunity to live an authentic, honest life with the least amount of damage, that brings the most glory to God above. Now I see why God wouldn’t let me keep trying to “back out”.