faith
The Carnival
Sally was always a curious, fun loving, girl who people enjoyed being around. She was nice, compassionate, caring and generally humorous. Mainly she was funny as a means of easing the tensions of others. Being an empath, she could feel the emotions of others and she never liked the stressful and negative emotions, so humor was her weapon of choice in combat.
One day, Sally heard about this thing called a “carnival” and supposedly it was an amazing place where things were wonderful, beautiful, joyful, peaceful, and so much more than human words could describe. She had always heard of this carnival but had never actually seen it first hand until the day she walked through the gates.
On that day, Sally went to the carnival and found a big ticket booth out front with a sign that said, “$20 is the cost of admission.” She didn’t have $20 and she would never have $20. You see, Sally was born with a condition that made it impossible for her to ever earn $20 in order to get into the carnival.
She sat outside of the carnival when the strange man approached her. He said to her, “Sally, do you want to go into the carnival?”. She responded, “Yes, I so desperately want to enjoy the wonderful things the carnival has to offer, but I can’t afford the cost to get in.” The man chuckled and said, “No worries Sally. I’ve already paid the cost for you to go into the carnival. All you have to do is accept it and enter into the carnival.” “Are you serious?,” Sally exclaimed. “Yes, I am,” said the man. “I think you are an amazing person and I care about you. Now go enjoy the carnival.”
Sally jumped up and wrapped her arms around the man, thanked him profusely, and ran over to the gate, explained the situation, and gleefully entered into the carnival to enjoy all of its majesties. Once inside, Sally had never seen such wonders. Life was completely different inside the carnival. She couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was that was different but she felt a sense of peace, joy, and love like never before. She met some very friendly people who were so nice and accepting of Sally for who she was. They too had met the man outside the gate and he too had paid for them to enter into the carnival.
As Sally walked up and down the aisles of the carnival enjoying all the beauty and wonder, she came across some people who sort of took her by surprise. They didn’t appear to accept Sally like the man outside the carnival and they believed that only people like them should be allowed in the carnival. They asked Sally to see her receipt of payment to get in the carnival, but she didn’t have one. All she had was the words about the man outside the gate, and the fact that she was in the carnival and had experienced the amazing things the carnival was. They said she couldn’t have entered the carnival legitimately because she didn’t have anything to show for her payment of entrance.
Sally began to question if she had really made it into the carnival or if she was still sitting outside dreaming it all up in her own mind. She told the people of the man outside the gate who paid her way, but they said, she had to have proof he paid her way. She should’ve received a receipt stating the way was paid. “You have to pay to get in,” they screamed. “No one can enter without paying. Where is your proof of payment?” Sally didn’t have proof so she made her way to the gate and began to leave when the man appeared.
“Sally, why are you leaving the carnival?”
“Well, I can’t stay because I didn’t pay the price for it.”
“Nonsense, I paid the price of admission for you,” he said as he smiled.
“Those people inside said that the cost of getting in was $20 and that everyone had to pay it. No one gets in for nothing. They said I wasn’t really in the carnival because the cost to get in was not removed and was still required. They also said since I didn’t have proof, I was just kidding myself that I was really in the carnival.”
“Oh Sally, I’m so sorry. Let me explain it to you.” The man sat down next to Sally, put his arm around her, and began to speak. “When the carnival was created, only those who could pay the price were allowed in. Of course there wasn’t anyone in this place that could afford the price of admission. It would’ve taken them a thousand years, and power beyond their ability, to earn the cost of admission. Since we loved the people of this place so much, we decided that I would pay the price for those who would accept it and enter into the carnival.”
“The cost of admission didn’t go away. It’s still there, I just paid it for you. You are not responsible for paying that cost in order to enter the carnival. Those people inside the carnival that you encountered are confused. They are right in the fact that the admission price didn’t just disappear because I paid the price. I didn’t abolish it, but I fulfilled it. Due to my love for you and everyone else, I paid the cost so that you can be with me inside the carnival and we can enjoy it together.”
“Ohhhhhh!,” Sally gasped. “I totally understand what you’re saying. Can I go tell everyone I know about this carnival and how you paid the price for them to enjoy it as well?”
“You absolutely can. In fact, I want you to show everyone what it’s like to be in that carnival so we can all enjoy the carnival, because I love them as much as I love you and want to be with them like I will be with you.”
Sally, excited and giddy, wrapped her arms around the man, hugged him tightly, and then ran off to tell everyone the good news. She was so sincere, and joyful about her experiences in the carnival. Some people didn’t listen and believe her. Some people told her they had heard of this carnival but knew they couldn’t afford it. Some people told her they had been to the carnival and had received the free admission, but then left because they agreed with the others who said they needed a receipt and since they didn’t have proof, they were just deceived. However, some people accepted her invitation and went to the carnival. Sally spent the rest of eternity living in the carnival enjoying love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. She still encountered the naysayers, but she knew in her heart what really happened and she lived life to the fullest, walking hand in hand, with the man who paid her admission.
Thailand: Day 27 – The End of One Journey, the Beginning of Another
My last full day in Bangkok, and my last Sunday here. I decided I wanted to attend church at the Bangkok campus of Lifepoint Church. Lifepoint Church is where I gave 6 years of volunteer service to make Sundays a place where people could come worship Jesus, before they told me I was not allowed to come to the church, any campus, dressed as a woman. I thought it would be quite poetic that I was attending a 3rd campus, not only dressed as a woman, but with a full female body too. Oh the irony.
All that aside, I got up, got myself ready, and went down and ate breakfast before grabbing a taxi over to the church campus. The driver had a little trouble finding the place because he had never been there, but Google Maps led us right to the front door and I arrived about 15 minutes before the service started. I walked in, only to be greeted by a familiar face from my hometown. She thought she recognized me but felt like she couldn’t put a name to the face. I told her my name, but it still wasn’t ringing a bell for her. Fair enough, because she hadn’t seen me in about 2 years, a LOT had changed in those 2 years, and she didn’t know my new name.
I then saw another woman that I knew from my hometown as well. She too thought I looked familiar but couldn’t quite place the name or face. It was then that I told them my old name. At that point, both their eyes lit up, their jaws dropped, and they both exclaimed, “WOW!!!!” I love seeing that reaction on peoples’ faces because it reinforces the notion that when I’m being myself, they absolutely can not tell that I have ever tried to be anything else than who they see in front of them. I am natural in who I am.
After a little bit of chatting, I found a place to sit and waited for the service to start. The worship team came out and prepared for the music portion of the service. There was a guy playing acoustic guitar, a girl singing with a shaker, and another girl singing as well. It was very much an acoustic version of what I was used to, but it was nice to have that change of pace for once. The music was great, and the songs familiar. I even got to sing a song in Thai. I have no idea what I was saying, but it was pretty cool just to be able to hear some sing in English and some sing in Thai. Truly a wonder of global worship.
When the music was over, the pastor came up and introduced himself. He would speak a few sentences, then wait for the translator to translate what he said. This was the M.O. of the entire service and was interesting to say the least. I can’t help but think that more sermons would be better understood if the pastor had the same amount of time as always, but was forced to slow down and make sure that every word counted. This is what happens when you have to wait for the translator.
The sermon was on Exodus chapter 2, where it was explained who Moses was and how he came about. The sermon touched on the fact that Moses’ parents knew he was wonderful, not because that’s what every parent thinks about their children, but because they belonged to the tribe of Levi and they had faith that God had a plan. When Moses was a baby, Pharaoh called for the death of every baby boy born within the last month. He did this because he did not want the Israelites to grow a strong army. The sermon also touched on how his parents tried to hide him until they could no longer hide him, not because they were afraid, but because they knew it was what they had to do. Eventually they gave in and threw baby Moses into the Nile River, but first they gave him a little boat to sail in.
This allowed them to follow the edict that Pharaoh had called for, but still allowing for God to work His plan, His way. Baby Moses ended up sailing up to the shore, right where Pharaoh’s daughter had come to bathe. When she found the baby, Moses’ sister was nearby watching to see what would happen. Pharaoh’s daughter noticed immediately that this was a hebrew child, and decided to keep him and make him her own son. Moses’ sister came up and asked if the princess would like her to find a hebrew woman to nurse the child. Being told to do so, his sister went and got his mother, unbeknownst to Pharaoh’s daughter. Pharaoh’s daughter then paid Moses’ mother to nurse and raise him until a time when he would come live in the palace.
There are a lot of parallels between the story of Moses and the story of Jesus, whom the entire bible is about. A king tried to have baby Moses killed, a king tried to have baby Jesus killed. God had a plan that saved Moses, God had a plan that saved Jesus. Moses had a purpose of freeing God’s people from slavery to Egypt, Jesus had a purpose of freeing God’s people from slavery to sin. The parallels go on and on, but what struck me was the irony of it all.
God used Hebrew women and Pharaoh’s own daughter to free the Israelites. Imagine that, in your life are two forces. Those that are telling you what to do that isn’t loving, honorable, or just, and God using you to do something bigger than yourself. What’s more ironic is God using Pharaoh’s own daughter to free the very Israelites he’s trying to keep down. I can relate. Called to follow Christ, everyone loved me as long as I looked like them, acted like them, and they could relate to me. As soon as God called me to work in a way that everyone else thought was wrong, all of a sudden I was no longer worthy to even be allowed into God’s house or to be considered part of a local church body, part of the family. In the end, my faith never changed and my love for others became greater. Sometimes God’s plan is funny, strange, and ironic.
Moses’ parents did not let their fear control them because they knew God had a plan. They fought their fear and stress with faith in God. When I was called to this new journey, I was scared. I wasn’t fearful, just unsure of what would come next, however, my faith in God helped me push through all the stress, allowing me to arrive on the other side. Now, just days away from the 2 year mark of this new journey, my life has become so much more, so much greater than I could have ever thought. I took a risk trusting the voice that I knew was God. Like always, it has paid off in a much greater way.
Every day we take risks. From the food we eat, to driving in traffic, to the people we meet, risk is all around us. Everything in life is a risk, but following God is a different kind of risk. The risk of following God has a huge reward. I can attest to this in my very life. I risked that I would be rejected, ostracized, bullied, assaulted, even murdered. My own family feared for my safety as I began this journey, but I had to use my own faith to assure them that God is in control. I still have my family with me. I still have my kids with me. I still have all the friends that really cared about me with me. I still have the ability to do my job. I am still alive, I am still breathing, I am a new person, not only in my heart, but physically as well.
So today, as I’m ending my journey in Thailand, I am beginning a journey of living out the new life that has been bestowed upon me. I am excited about what the future holds, finally feeling completely at peace with myself physically, and mentally. No longer will I deal with the hormone based depression that plagued me all my life. I am a new creation. No longer will I hold contempt in my heart for those who are different from me. I am a new creation. Compassion will rain down on others, from me, who struggle with this life they live in. I am a new creation.
I am a new creation, ready for this new leg of my journey.
Watch God be glorified in my new life.
Thailand: An Introspective Journey
If this journey has taught me anything, it has taught me to continually think about everything I say and everything I do. Being bedridden, and not being able to move a lot, or even wanting to move a lot, means I’m not doing a whole lot worth talking about, and I have a lot of time to think about all the decisions I’ve made in my life, even the decisions that have brought me to where I am today.
I have a lot of friends on Facebook who are transmen and transwomen, and I am constantly seeing their experiences, their questions, and their comments to the world around us. One of the trends that I see is people posting their before and after pictures. It is interesting to watch how others react to where a person used to be and where they are now.
When I see the pictures of the transmen, I am floored by the ones who did not previously identify as butch. It is unique to see a beautiful, blonde haired, buxom woman in the before picture and to see a scruffy, handsome, buff man in the after picture. It is hard for me to relate because I think, why would such a beautiful woman not want to be a beautiful woman. The reality is that person sees themselves as a man as much as I see myself as a woman.
The introspection comes when I begin to think about my own life and where I was in the past. I try not to let myself dwell on the thoughts that maybe if I would have been healthier, or had a better body, or presented myself as a better male, then I could have survived, in that place, as that person. I have to ignore those thoughts because I have had those thoughts for decades. I even field tested them for decades, trying to be the better man, trying to be a great husband, trying to be a wonderful father, and trying to be a great role model, in church, in work, to my family, and my friends. It never worked. I was constantly depressed. I was constantly filled with anxiety. I was a terrible husband. I was a less than admirable father. Even my work and my interactions with my friends suffered because of it. Until I transitioned, I never had a really close best friend who was in my life, except for one who lived 800 miles away.
Today, over two years after discovering this thing called gender dysphoria, I have a bunch of really close friends who I hang out with on a regular basis, and communicate with freely and openly. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, knowing that today I get to live in this world completely authentically, and I am now capable of seeing the things I can offer to the world. I have a new and profound understanding of compassion and love because of my experiences. the reality is, I am a better person because of the decisions I have made that have brought me to the place that I am.
As I peruse my Facebook feed, I begin to feel sorry for the people who lash out against same sex marriage, who lash out against Caitlyn Jenner receiving an ESPY Award, who lash out in the name of their faith, a faith that claims the same name as mine, but looks nothing like anything I’ve seen or known before. I feel sorry for them because they lack compassion in that moment. I feel sorry for them because they think what they give is love, but it is not love. I see them call people like myself, deceived, but I believe the irony is lost on them. I believe my experiences have given me the opportunity to see the world through the eyes of Jesus. It’s something that I had asked for, for years. Sometimes I think that is a curse more than a blessing.
Lord willing, I will have 40+ more years on this planet before I head back home. In that time, I’m sure I will always be reminded of how I wished I could have done more. I am glad for the reminders of the past, they help me understand that I am on a journey, that I must look forward and continue moving on. I do not worry too much about the future, for today is hard enough to deal with. If anything, I know this. Many may think that I have done something wrong, something bad, something sinful, or that I am delusional. I pray that they will find the authenticity to live their lives for who they are, without ridiculing others, so they too can wake up every morning with a smile on their face.
The Gift
(Reprinted with permission from Rebecca)
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see transsexualism viewed as a positive good instead of a negative, or at best neutral, phenomenon? Some psychologists characterize it as a sexually motivated disorder; psychiatrists treat it as an aberration imprinted by upbringing. Transsexuals themselves see it as a curse.
But what if they’re all wrong? What if these characterizations fail to describe what transsexualism really is? What if instead we try to look at transsexualism as a gift; and not just any gift, but a gift created by Almighty God Himself and deliberately bestowed by Him on certain chosen individuals to fulfill His divine plan. Zounds! Awesome! Radical! Yes, and frightening, too.
God reveals a vision of His gifts to us in all their wonderful diversity through Paul: “There are different gifts but the same Spirit; there are different ministries but the same Lord; there are different works but the same God who accomplishes all of them in everyone. To each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good…preaching, teaching, faith, healing, miracles, prophesy, recognizing spirits, tongues and the interpretation of tongues. All these are the manifestation of one and the same Spirit, who distributes different gifts to different people just as he chooses” (1 Cor 12:4-11).
What’s that? You didn’t see transsexualism in the list? Paul does not pretend that this short list includes all of God’s gifts to us. He itemizes more in Romans 12:6-8 and Jesus names others in the Beatitudes such as meekness, thirst for justice, peacemaking and the rest. Indeed there are many gifts – named and unnamed – given to us “for the common good”.
So why not transsexualism? There is not one shred of evidence that this is not a divine gift. Of course when most people think of divine gifts they think of musical ability, artistic talent, intelligence, charisma, good health, etc., but that is obviously too narrow a view. In a very touching story Jesus showed even blindness could be a gift: “He saw a man who had been blind from birth. His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, for him to have been born blind?’ ‘Neither he nor his parents sinned, Jesus answered, ‘he was born blind so that the works of God might be displayed in him’.” (Jn 9:2-3) Then He gave the man sight.
Christians have always had difficulty comprehending how a loving, good, and merciful God could permit conditions that are contrary to their concept of good. Birth defects, arthritis, an untimely death, – all the frailties of human existence – seem cruel. Some ascribe these to sin while others become callous or turn against their God. Their faith is lacking and Jesus calls them blind: “If you were blind, you would not be guilty, but since you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains.” (Jn 9:41)
Is it not possible that even these so called evils are also gifts of God? And perhaps not just gifts to those stricken, but to all of us – to give us an opportunity to show care and love for all our brothers and sisters. Consider the story of the Good Samaritan: Was not the victim an opportunity for the Levite, the priest, and the Samaritan to show love for another human being? But only the Samaritan saw the “gift” in the situation and helped the victim.
In the same way Christians and others often fail to comprehend how transsexuality could be God’s blessing to certain chosen persons – for their benefit and the benefit of us all. Instead, some set themselves up as judges and condemn what their pride cannot accept. “You must love your neighbor as yourself; but as soon as you make distinctions between classes of people, you are committing sin”, James warns them. Besides, “who are you to give a verdict on your neighbor?” (Jam 2:9, 4:12) Jesus Himself told Peter: “What God has made clean, you have no right to call profane.” (Acts 11:9)
However, any gift may be used for good or evil. Everything God has created is good but its ultimate value depends on what we do with it. If we realize that it can no longer remain a mere aberration to be tolerated. Rather, it becomes a positive good – a calling or vocation. It is right and morally good to express it and morally wrong to suppress it. See what power, what confidence, what affirmation we gain from accepting this as a gift! “If God is with us, who can stand against us?” (Rom 8:31) But wait! Before we charge off to conquer the world, take note: God’s gifts do not come without strings. Remember the parable of the talents (Matt 25:14-30)?
Three servants were given gifts. Two dared to risk their gifts in investments and won a profit. The third suppressed his gift – and it was ripped from him and he was thrown out. If the two had risked and failed, would they have been punished? I think not. God does not allow us to be tested beyond our strength (1 Cor 10:16). The point is, the two acknowledged their gifts and accepted them. With faith in their master they tried and succeeded.
God’s gifts are His investments in us and He expects a return on the investment. Paul’s advice to Timothy applies equally to us: “You have in you a spiritual gift… do not let it lie unused” (1Tim4:14). The third servant did not use his gift and it was taken from him. The fig tree that did not bear fruit was ordered to be cut down (Lk 13:7-8). The Spirit who distributes these gifts “just as he chooses” gives some more gifts than others. Do not envy them; for the more they have been given, the more will be demanded of them (Lk 12:48)
And what return can transsexuals make on the investment our God has made in them? Transsexuals are born with a gift. They can no more teach someone without the gift to become one of them than a therapist can take the gift from one who is born with it. Like it or not the gift is given – it is theirs, – in them as an integral part of their unique being.
So what do you do with it? Certainly we have to acknowledge it and accept it. Then what? For starters we can learn from it. We can learn a deeper appreciation and respect for all people. As a minority we can see more clearly the stupidity of prejudice. We can embrace this gift, treasure it, enjoy it, explore and develop it to its full potential, and share it with others. We can help those similarly gifted: removing their fears and roadblocks so they can become all they were meant to be. “Each one of you has received a special grace, so, like good stewards responsible for all these different graces of God, put yourself at the service of others” (1 Pet 4:10).
And when we’ve learned to appreciate ourselves and others, and when we’ve given help to others, then we can reach out to the public who do not share the gift. We can step out with pride in the full light of day as ornaments to society. After all, “We are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life as from the beginning he had meant us to live it” (Eph 2:10).
We are needed in society – precisely because we cross a gender boundary which is taken for granted so complacently by the majority. Just by being who we are, we challenge false assumptions about gender and genuinely help the public reassess their attitudes. We demonstrate in our being the diversity of God’s creative genius, and we help deflate the arrogance that leads to discrimination – against us and against other minorities.
We are all members of the same crew on spaceship Earth and we will all grow or die based on the contributions of each individual member. No one could contribute much if we were all the same, could we? “If your whole body was just one eye, how would you hear anything? If it was just one ear, how would you smell anything? Instead of that, God put all the separate parts into the body on purpose. If all the parts were the same, how could it be a body? As it is, the parts are many but the body is one. The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I do not need you,’ nor can the head say to the feet, ‘I do not need you.’.. God has arranged the body so that… each part may be equally concerned for all the others. If one part is hurt, all parts are hurt with it. If one part is given special honor, all parts enjoy it” (1 Cor 12:17-21, 24-26).
We all have a place and a purpose in this world whether we understand it yet or not. Rednecks, Jews, men, women, whites & blacks, Baptists, bankers, transsexuals- even Democrats – all are here at His command. Is this difficult to swallow? Even Paul had trouble with it but he understood: “I should like everyone to be like me, but everybody have his own particular gifts from God, one with a gift for one thing and another with a gift for the opposite” (1 Cor 7:7).
Accepting transsexuality as a divine gift means accepting also the purpose for which it was given. That may be too uncomfortable for most. But those that do accept acquire also the power and confidence that comes from being right – not just correct according to human logic – but morally right. ”
The Wrong Question
When I started cross-dressing, there was a little voice inside my head that said, “Don’t do this.” I asked God if He would take away my desire to cross-dress. He didn’t.
When I was in the midst of a sexual relationship with a friend, that little voice inside my head said, “Boys are supposed to like girls.” I asked God if He would take away my desire for this relationship. He didn’t.
Then I came to realize that God wanted my heart, wanted me to follow him, wanted me to accept Jesus into my heart and trust Him with my life. I felt Him calling me and I asked Jesus to take away my sin, and HE DID!!!
The funny thing about sin, it always comes crawling back, like the black ooze from the X-Files. It infects you, darkens your heart, eats away at you, sucks the love out of you. God can not exist with sin but Jesus defeated sin when He died on the cross AND rose from the grave. Since I gave my own life up in exchange for the life He promised me, He now stands in the gap between me and the Father at judgement. When the Father looks on me, He sees Jesus, perfection, ergo, I passed from death to life. But this world is broken, along with all the people in it and while I won’t be judged for the sin in my life, that sin still exists, and it shows up in me everyday and therefore, I continued to experience things in my life that I regarded as sin.
So the things I regarded as sin, came back and again, here I was, cross-dressing and enjoying my time all dressed up and no where to go, and again, there was that voice, “You’re not supposed to be doing this.” I asked God, if I’m your child, and my life is now yours, will you please take this desire away? He didn’t.
This struggle goes on and on for many more years and finally I was getting married. Here is my chance to rid myself of this once and for all. After all, I must be doing it for the sexual thrill since that’s what the world thinks cross-dressers do. I never stopped and thought about WHY cross-dressing was a strong desire for me, I just took what I thought I knew based on the way the world looks at something and put that on as my mask. But after I get married, I’ll have sex all the time, be satisfied and not need to do this any more. I remember being dressed up in our first apartment, our first house, our second house, yada, yada, yada. Of course that voice was still there saying, “You’re married, you don’t need to do this. You’re not supposed to do this.” I asked God to please take this away from me so I don’t have to do it anymore. He didn’t.
Yeah, this trend goes on and on for many more years and in May of 2013, I came out to C about my history of cross-dressing. Sure I had told her before, but I don’t think she understood just how deep it was. I had to come out because my dysphoria had come to the surface more than it ever had in the past. Needless to say, I begged God to please take this away from me. My life has been His almost 20 years now and I was still fighting it. For 3 more months I wrestled with God begging Him to take it, remove it, I don’t want it if it is going to cause me this much anguish. I pretty much got to the point where I couldn’t fight any more.
C was telling me to fight it, the lady counseling me was telling me to fight it, everything in my head was telling me to fight it, but I felt like laying down and dying. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t have the strength to fight it and I wasn’t going to fight it anymore because I couldn’t. I was giving up. It was out of my hands. August 2, 2013, I had a nervous breakdown. I cried for hours straight. I sat on my couch and stared into oblivion for hours. I didn’t talk to anyone. I went to bed. I was exhausted.
In my moments of wrestling with God, arguing, blaming Him for not taking away my “sin”, I asked a different question than I normally ask. For the first time, in my entire life, I didn’t ask him to take away my desire, I asked him, “Why did you make me like this?” Yeah, this is what I heard.
“There is an entire community of people who I created, that I love, that I want to know me, that I want to be in a loving relationship with. I want to show them love like they’ve never seen before. I want to take away their sin. I want to heal their wounds. I want them to live with me forever. The world has cast them aside because they don’t understand them. They’ve been shoved down because they aren’t like everyone else. I want them to know I am still here. I made you this way in order to be an ambassador for me to them. I made you in the same way I made them so that they can see that I love them just as much as I love you. I want them to experience the peace you’ve experienced. I want them to experience the life transformation that you’ve experienced. I want to be in community with them like I am in community with you. I will transform you. I will reshape you like the potter reshapes the clay to form it into a new vessel for a new purpose. I will give you everything you need to enter their world, but I want to use you so that they may know me.”
Yeah, it came as a shock to me too.
What?!?!?!!!!
You had a plan!?!?!!!!?
A purpose!?!!!!!?
This whole time!!!?!!??!!
Why didn’t you tell me!!?!!!?!!?!
I came to realize that had He told me long ago, I might have not believed Him. I might not have walked a path that gave me the tools I needed to be where I am today. I might not have had access to the people and resources I do today. I don’t think I would’ve been married to C (however, since I believe that our marriage was a TOTAL God thing, it may have happened anyway).
I’m not sure why I asked that question that day, but I did, and God had no problem answering me right away. It’s like His timing is impeccable. So now I stand on a path before me, taking one step at a time. My lamp is lighting just enough of the path in front of my feet and I am trusting God, like I always have, that he will not leave me or forsake me.
Shedding Shadows 