sin
The Carnival
Sally was always a curious, fun loving, girl who people enjoyed being around. She was nice, compassionate, caring and generally humorous. Mainly she was funny as a means of easing the tensions of others. Being an empath, she could feel the emotions of others and she never liked the stressful and negative emotions, so humor was her weapon of choice in combat.
One day, Sally heard about this thing called a “carnival” and supposedly it was an amazing place where things were wonderful, beautiful, joyful, peaceful, and so much more than human words could describe. She had always heard of this carnival but had never actually seen it first hand until the day she walked through the gates.
On that day, Sally went to the carnival and found a big ticket booth out front with a sign that said, “$20 is the cost of admission.” She didn’t have $20 and she would never have $20. You see, Sally was born with a condition that made it impossible for her to ever earn $20 in order to get into the carnival.
She sat outside of the carnival when the strange man approached her. He said to her, “Sally, do you want to go into the carnival?”. She responded, “Yes, I so desperately want to enjoy the wonderful things the carnival has to offer, but I can’t afford the cost to get in.” The man chuckled and said, “No worries Sally. I’ve already paid the cost for you to go into the carnival. All you have to do is accept it and enter into the carnival.” “Are you serious?,” Sally exclaimed. “Yes, I am,” said the man. “I think you are an amazing person and I care about you. Now go enjoy the carnival.”
Sally jumped up and wrapped her arms around the man, thanked him profusely, and ran over to the gate, explained the situation, and gleefully entered into the carnival to enjoy all of its majesties. Once inside, Sally had never seen such wonders. Life was completely different inside the carnival. She couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was that was different but she felt a sense of peace, joy, and love like never before. She met some very friendly people who were so nice and accepting of Sally for who she was. They too had met the man outside the gate and he too had paid for them to enter into the carnival.
As Sally walked up and down the aisles of the carnival enjoying all the beauty and wonder, she came across some people who sort of took her by surprise. They didn’t appear to accept Sally like the man outside the carnival and they believed that only people like them should be allowed in the carnival. They asked Sally to see her receipt of payment to get in the carnival, but she didn’t have one. All she had was the words about the man outside the gate, and the fact that she was in the carnival and had experienced the amazing things the carnival was. They said she couldn’t have entered the carnival legitimately because she didn’t have anything to show for her payment of entrance.
Sally began to question if she had really made it into the carnival or if she was still sitting outside dreaming it all up in her own mind. She told the people of the man outside the gate who paid her way, but they said, she had to have proof he paid her way. She should’ve received a receipt stating the way was paid. “You have to pay to get in,” they screamed. “No one can enter without paying. Where is your proof of payment?” Sally didn’t have proof so she made her way to the gate and began to leave when the man appeared.
“Sally, why are you leaving the carnival?”
“Well, I can’t stay because I didn’t pay the price for it.”
“Nonsense, I paid the price of admission for you,” he said as he smiled.
“Those people inside said that the cost of getting in was $20 and that everyone had to pay it. No one gets in for nothing. They said I wasn’t really in the carnival because the cost to get in was not removed and was still required. They also said since I didn’t have proof, I was just kidding myself that I was really in the carnival.”
“Oh Sally, I’m so sorry. Let me explain it to you.” The man sat down next to Sally, put his arm around her, and began to speak. “When the carnival was created, only those who could pay the price were allowed in. Of course there wasn’t anyone in this place that could afford the price of admission. It would’ve taken them a thousand years, and power beyond their ability, to earn the cost of admission. Since we loved the people of this place so much, we decided that I would pay the price for those who would accept it and enter into the carnival.”
“The cost of admission didn’t go away. It’s still there, I just paid it for you. You are not responsible for paying that cost in order to enter the carnival. Those people inside the carnival that you encountered are confused. They are right in the fact that the admission price didn’t just disappear because I paid the price. I didn’t abolish it, but I fulfilled it. Due to my love for you and everyone else, I paid the cost so that you can be with me inside the carnival and we can enjoy it together.”
“Ohhhhhh!,” Sally gasped. “I totally understand what you’re saying. Can I go tell everyone I know about this carnival and how you paid the price for them to enjoy it as well?”
“You absolutely can. In fact, I want you to show everyone what it’s like to be in that carnival so we can all enjoy the carnival, because I love them as much as I love you and want to be with them like I will be with you.”
Sally, excited and giddy, wrapped her arms around the man, hugged him tightly, and then ran off to tell everyone the good news. She was so sincere, and joyful about her experiences in the carnival. Some people didn’t listen and believe her. Some people told her they had heard of this carnival but knew they couldn’t afford it. Some people told her they had been to the carnival and had received the free admission, but then left because they agreed with the others who said they needed a receipt and since they didn’t have proof, they were just deceived. However, some people accepted her invitation and went to the carnival. Sally spent the rest of eternity living in the carnival enjoying love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. She still encountered the naysayers, but she knew in her heart what really happened and she lived life to the fullest, walking hand in hand, with the man who paid her admission.
The Bible, Homosexuality, Same-Sex Marriage, Transgender, & Porn (An Event)
On Sunday March 15, 2015, I attended an event hosted by my former church that was for the purpose of addressing the Bible, Homosexuality, Same-Sex Marriage, Transgender, & Porn. The fact that transgender was squeezed right between same-sex marriage and porn was enough to garner my attention (and tick me off…we’ll address that later).
I decided I was going to attend this event because I wanted to know what was going to be said. I was hoping for 2 possible outcomes. I was hoping I would hear some new piece of theological and scriptural basis for what I have experienced, that is real and tangible in this world (for or against), and I was wanting to make sure that anyone that I had connection to that was willing to read my blog, would allow me to “correct” anything the speaker said that was not factual and/or misinformed.
The speaker of the event was Phillip Bethancourt. Phillip is the Executive Vice President of the Ethics & Religious Liberties Council of the Southern Baptist Convention. The event itself was billed as a special service. To understand, Lifepoint Church (my former church) only holds special events on Sunday nights if the topic is too risque for family oriented Sunday morning services, requires more time and thought, or just doesn’t fit into the scope of standard event times and formats (ie. Sunday morning or Wednesday night). There may be other reasons, but this is merely my observation being involved in the church for 6 years in a volunteer leadership position. I expected it to be interesting at the least.
I recorded the entire event on my phone voice recorder for a couple of reasons. I wanted to place the audio here for everyone to hear so they could hear the speakers words for themselves, not my interpretation (or horrible memory) of them. I also wanted something to go back and listen to and process and verify all that was being said. I wasn’t sure if the church would record it and place it online for others to see so I wanted to make sure I kept it for my own posterity sake. The church did record and post the event online here. I will be discussing the content that starts at the 17 minute mark in the video.
(Editor’s Note: In case that link to the video should ever stop working, please comment and let me know and I will upload the audio I recorded.)
The Meat of the Event
From the time Phillip walked on stage and asked people to open their bibles, to the end of his closing prayer, he spoke for almost 29 minutes. The first 17 minutes he spoke on homosexuality, the next 5 minutes on transgender people, and the last 7 minutes about porn. For the purpose of this blog, I will be focusing on the 5 minutes he spent on transgender people.
For the entire event, only 1 bible verse was used to support the entire discussion, Matthew 19:4-6. It says…
4He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
He starts with verse 4 and focuses on “made them male and female”. He goes on to say that there are only 2 distinct genders we are called to embrace. That right there is only a partial truth because it doesn’t account for intersex people and it doesn’t tell us what we do with anomalies like Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, Kleinfelter’s Syndrome, or any other slew of reproductive issues that are medical facts. The reality is that the bible isn’t all encompassing and therefore remains ambiguous for some people in society. I’m okay with that because the bible doesn’t mention cars or computers either but we’ve done just fine figuring out those.
Ugh…he said lifestyle. Using this word makes it sound like how we see ourselves is a choice. Being transgender is not a choice. How we decide to handle it is and that varies with as many people that are transgender. I personally am a transsexual. I have a conflict between how I see myself and how I actually appear. This happens because my brain is structured like the average female so my brain (software) expects certain body parts (hardware) to be available for use. When it’s not, I get anxiety and dysphoria about it (error alerts). I don’t claim to speak for or know how other facets under the transgender umbrella feel, sense, or think of themselves. I only speak for me and even then, only within the scope of being a transsexual.
Phillip then proceeds to say, “It doesn’t have as much to do with anatomy as it does with your thoughts.”
Okay, I’m gonna stop ya right there. Being a transsexual, it absolutely does have to do with anatomy. Whether we’re talking about the anatomy that conflicts with our own internal image of ourselves, or we’re speaking to the anatomy of our genes, hormones, brain structure, etc. (all areas possibly linked to transsexualism through various types of extensive medical research), it isn’t just about what we think and feel. If it had to do with just your thoughts, then Dr. John Money’s concept of “fixing” intersex babies with surgeries and hormones, assigning their sex, and sending them on their way wouldn’t have resulted in a 50% transition rate.
Dr. John Money pioneered the genital surgeries for intersex babies and told parents that our gender identity (how we see ourselves) was nurture and if the child looked like a girl, had girl parts and was raised as a girl, they would identify as a girl. This went on for 40 years and no one ever went back to check up on his work until the 1990s. At that point, they found that 50% of his cases either transitioned or had killed themselves due to gender dysphoria (not having a physical body that matched their gender identity). At this point, doctors and psychologists realized that gender identity is most likely innate and not something that can be changed with surgery, hormones, or therapy. The fact that stats showing reparative therapy is highly unsuccessful, usually even more harmful, simply lend credence to an already changing model of gender therapy.
In his speech, Phillip said gender identity doesn’t have to do with sexuality. Kudos to him for getting that one thing right that most people tend to be ignorant on. Gender identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Most people don’t understand that and I think it’s because the T is lumped in with the L,G, & B. I honestly think that the T should secede from the L,G, & B, but I understand why they are grouped together.
He goes on and uses Facebook as an example of “cultural confusion” because they have over 50 gender identities. What he fails to understand is that a lot of the identities are duplicates. A transwoman is pretty much the same as a male to female transgender person as is a Trans Woman, Trans Female, Trans* Woman, Trans* Female, etc. It would be like having a gender drop down of Man, Woman, Male, Female, Boy, Girl, etc. Yes, each one is slightly different but if you wanted to slim down the “50” that Facebook has available, you could do that with Trans Male, Trans Female and a few others like Agender and Bigender. The distinctions are subtle but still important as a transsexual woman is a transgender woman, but not all transgender women are transsexual women. It’s like saying, all humans are mammals but not all mammals are humans.
Phillip states “The bible is abundantly clear on God’s design for gender, that from the beginning in that good and created order where God created both male and female and we recognize that all are made in the image of God, whether male or female, whether those who are clear in their gender identity or those who are confused…”
While he’s technically right (because God did start with only male and female), he’s wrong because the world isn’t a perfect, pre-fall world anymore. Whether the anomalies we see in the world today are made by God, chaos of the enemy and allowed by God, or a complete distortion due to original sin and uncontrollable by God, the fact is they do exist and the bible doesn’t give us all the answers on what to do about it (I suppose it does if you believe in any type of healing that gives a better quality of life). I do question the validity of Phillip’s statement though because it seems to be sort of counter-intuitive to me. See, made in the image of God from a physical standpoint means that God has a penis and/or vagina. I’ve not studied deeply in this matter, but on the surface, I see no need for God to have either of these. It also begs the question of whether God is male or female because Phillip is clearly saying that he created us one or the other and there is no room for anything in between, yet God himself would have to be both in order for us to all be made in His image “physically”. I’m more inclined to think that we were made in His image from a character perspective, a spirit being perspective (mainly supported by my understanding of things like transfiguration, God wrapping himself in flesh to die for our sins, etc), but that’s just me thinking out loud. Either way, it doesn’t answer the anomalies we see.
Phillip then goes on to say, “…but God’s design for gender is one where he creates male and female with distinct roles and relationships and that’s precisely why the gospel reshapes our understanding of gender.”
One verse, in the entire gospel, that is actually brought up during the topic of divorce, that says there was male and female in the beginning does not create an entire way of life and thinking (at least it shouldn’t). I’m sure Phillip has heard of proof-texting. Surely he’s not using 1 verse here to support an entire proposition on how we should live our lives? Surely he has to consider more than Matthew 19:4?
He then continues to talk about living in an egalitarian culture where men and women are treated as equals in roles and relationships. Is this a bad thing? I thought there was no Jew or Gentile, free or slave, male or female in Christ? Surely he’s not saying we should go back to a time in the past when women were treated as less than?
He states, “…instead the gospel celebrates the distinctiveness of God’s design for men and women, as men lead and guide and protect, and women nurture and care and serve and love.”
So here’s a loaded question. Is it the penis that gives men the ability to lead and guide and protect? Is it the vagina that gives women the ability to nurture, care, serve, and love? I think we can all agree that what’s between our legs is not what gives us these character qualities. They are found in both parties and they are controlled by the neurochemical interactions of the brain with the sensors that give input (eyes, ears, nose, mouth, hands, etc) and the body parts which give output (mouth, hands, feet, body, etc). I spent decades trying to lead and guide and protect, but turns out I was much better at the emotional side with caring, serving and loving. Makes sense now that I know my brain structure is actually more closely aligned with the average female. Of course you could blame this cross shifting abilities on our “egalitarian culture” but then that doesn’t explain Joan of Arc who, history shows us, acted more like a man and less like a woman. Come to think of it, the gospel doesn’t show us these things, the epistles show us these things and that’s different from what Jesus said.
Phillip then continues on a small diatribe about children who express themselves outside the bibles perceived notion of what is a man and a woman (we can talk about Jacob and Esau some other time) and tells us not to hit the panic button if they do that. However he goes into one thing that got me fuming because it seems everyone is making up sin to condemn people of.
He says, “…we also have to be careful not to judge. And I say that in the sense of, when somebody identifies as an opposite gender person, especially when they dress accordingly, it can be easy…that’s an easy sin to judge.”
Can someone please point me to the scripture that says that identifying as an opposite gender person and wearing clothes that correspond with their gender identity is a sin? Seriously!!! I have been looking for this verse since the day I started beating myself up for wearing women’s clothes. From the time I was 10 years old, I had been beating myself up about something that’s not even in the bible. It’s not even close. There’s not even any contexts that remotely talk about what our society calls “crossdressing”. I vaguely remember some denomination saying it was sinful to dance. Hmm, is that in the bible? Phillip, do you remember which denomination made up sins that weren’t written in the bible, like dancing, and mentally/verbally condemned people for it? Oh well, not important.
He says we shouldn’t judge, mock or ridicule those people and asks, “wouldn’t it be awful if your sinful life patterns, or your choices that dishonor God were on display for all to see?”
I don’t even know what to think of this comment because again it implies that there is some sort of sin going on. First off, we’re all sinners, bar none. There’s no difference between lying, murdering, and your judging someone like me for a perceived sin, in the eyes of God. All are done without love for fellow man and that violates a command from Christ to love your neighbor as yourself. So it doesn’t matter if people see your sin or not. Sin is sin and God sees it all. If we’re worried about people seeing our sin so we don’t get mocked, ridiculed or judged, then we’ve got bigger problems than what others think of us.
Phillip closes with a stat about how few transgender people there are and that it’s not as well known a sexual sin as the next topic…pornography.
My Thoughts
I don’t even know where to start. My blog post is long because I dissected everything the speaker had to say, but in reality and in the scope of the entire event, the speaker barely even touched on the transgender issue, yet it was lumped in with same sex “sin” and pornography. Of course churches called Down’s Syndrome a “demonic possession” for centuries before modern medicine proved them wrong. Even today, babies in Africa are thrown in rivers and die because they don’t “look” right, all because of beliefs in things that are simply medically explainable. It’s sad really that they keep calling a simple medical condition, not understood by them at all, sexual sin because it has to do with gender which isn’t even sexuality or genitals.
I think the speaker did a good job on getting some stats right and some information right. He did say that gender identity has nothing to do with sexuality and he did say that about 700,000 people identify as transgender in the U.S. He was right on those 2 points and for that I give him 4 stars. However, a negative 4 star scale isn’t even low enough for all the other junk he assumed, postulated, and emotionalized. I wasn’t impressed and sadly I’m sure a lot of people in that church swallowed every word he said as if it was biblical truth. Of course I didn’t expect him to hit a home run.
Conclusion
I knew going in that I was likely to walk out without any new information on my search for having and treating gender dysphoria. I still don’t believe it’s a sin (mainly because the bible doesn’t say it is, history shows us we can’t assume it is (dancing anyone?), and we know God looks at the heart, not the outside of man — 1 Sam. 16:7), but at least now I know why organizations like the Southern Baptist Convention have been dragging up the rear of reformation when it comes to historically controversial issues. I can’t help but wonder how the heart of God reacts when we superimpose sin on others and call it biblical truth. At least there is hope that one day they’ll have a heart change, like they did with slavery, and women’s rights, and minority rights, and interracial marriage, etc.
My Journey in a Song
Okay, it’s my journey in a few songs, but still.
When I was coming to terms with my medical condition, I had a lot of introspective moments. A lot of them also contained actual verbal conversations with God and why on earth I was the one who had to walk this walk. After over 2 years of journeying, I have to say that I wouldn’t trade it for the world because I feel like the kid who gets picked by the teacher to pass out the papers after being graded. It wasn’t always like that though.
Below are 4 different sets of song lyrics that I feel best describe the journey I’ve walked my entire life dealing with this issue. They are in the order in which I lived and I’ve slammed them each into a solid paragraph of text to be read more like introspective thoughts and less like song lyrics. These artists had written these songs for their own journeys or the journeys of others based on their experiences and observations, but have impacted me where I am, none the less. An ode to just how powerful the arts can be in helping us express ourselves.
The Journey
I struggled for years with sensing something was wrong with me but not being able to put my finger on it. I spiritualized everything about me that I hated, saying that the reason I hated it was because I was in sin.
I’m Tired, I’m worn, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world, and I know that you can give me rest so I cry out with all that I have left. Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn, cause I’m worn. I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I’m too weak, life just won’t let up, and I know that you can give me rest so I cry out with all that I have left. Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn, cause I’m worn. My prayers are wearing thin. Yeah, I’m worn even before the day begins. Yeah, I’m worn, I’ve lost my will to fight. I’m worn, so heaven come and flood my eyes. Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn, cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn though I’m worn. Yeah I’m worn.
I prayed that God would heal me, take these thoughts away, help me to live a more pure and holy life for him. I even tried to build a life that was everything I was told it was supposed to be, but even that didn’t deliver the promised happiness I was sold.
Well, everybody’s got a story to tell and everybody’s got a wound to be healed. I want to believe there’s beauty here ‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on. I can’t let go, I can’t move on. I want to believe there’s meaning here. How many times have you heard me cry out, “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you, God, I need you now. Standing on a road I didn’t plan wondering how I got to where I am. I’m trying to hear that still small voice. I’m trying to hear above the noise. How many times have you heard me cry out, “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you, God, I need you now. Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows, and I, I am so afraid. Please stay, please stay right beside me with every single step I take. How many times have you heard me cry out and how many times have you given me strength? How many times have you heard me cry out, “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you, God, I need you now. I need you now. Oh I need you, God, I need you now. I need you now. I need you now.
And then I learned that what I was suffering from was a medical condition brought on by a conflict of organs in my body. My physiology wasn’t what people would call 100% normal. What’s more crazy is that I heard God speaking his still small voice into the depths of my heart and soul telling me I was created this way for a reason. So I had to walk this path and trust in Him.
I don’t know where to go from here. It all used to seem so clear. I’m finding I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know where to go from here. As long as I know that You are near, I’m done fighting, I’m finally letting go. I will trust in You, You’ve never failed before. I will trust in You. If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will, whatever Your will, can you help me find it, can you help me find it? I’m giving You fear and You give faith. I’m giving you doubt, You give me grace. For every step, I’ve never been alone. Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way. Even in the valley I will say, with every breath You’ve never let me go. I will wait for You, You’ve never failed before. I will wait for You. If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will, whatever Your will, can you help me find it, can you help me find it? I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again). Have Your way my King (I give my all to You). I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see), ‘cause You are all I need. If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will, whatever Your will, can you help me find it, can you help me find it, can you help me find it, can you help me find it?
Today, everything makes sense, even if it is weird. I can imagine that some of the biblical characters of history felt the same way when God told them to do something that the world (and even other believers) thought was crazy. It was only after seeing the big picture did the part that person played make sense.
I just let go and I feel exposed, but its so beautiful cuz this is who I am. I’ve been such a mess, but now I can’t care less. I could bleed to death. Lord I’m ready now, all the walls are down, time is running out and I wanna make this count. I ran away from you and I did what I wanted to, but I don’t wanna let you down. Lord I’m ready now. Lord I’m ready now. I was so caught up in who I’m not. Can you please forgive me? Lord I’m ready now, all the walls are down, time is running out and I wanna make this count. I ran away from you and I did what I wanted to, but I don’t want to let you down. Lord I’m ready. I’ve nothing left to hide. No reason’s left to lie. Give me another chance. Lord I’m ready now, all the walls are down, time is running out and I wanna make this count. I ran away from you and I did what I wanted to, but I don’t wanna let you down. Lord I’m ready now. Lord I’m ready now.
My journey didn’t just begin or end, it has simply turned another corner. I can’t wait to see what the rest of this crazy ride looks like.
Lyrics are used for educational purposes only to illustrate a point.
Worn – Tenth Avenue North
How Many Times (Need You Now) – Plumb
Help Me Find It – Sidewalk Prophets
Lord I’m Ready Now – Plumb
The Wrong Question
When I started cross-dressing, there was a little voice inside my head that said, “Don’t do this.” I asked God if He would take away my desire to cross-dress. He didn’t.
When I was in the midst of a sexual relationship with a friend, that little voice inside my head said, “Boys are supposed to like girls.” I asked God if He would take away my desire for this relationship. He didn’t.
Then I came to realize that God wanted my heart, wanted me to follow him, wanted me to accept Jesus into my heart and trust Him with my life. I felt Him calling me and I asked Jesus to take away my sin, and HE DID!!!
The funny thing about sin, it always comes crawling back, like the black ooze from the X-Files. It infects you, darkens your heart, eats away at you, sucks the love out of you. God can not exist with sin but Jesus defeated sin when He died on the cross AND rose from the grave. Since I gave my own life up in exchange for the life He promised me, He now stands in the gap between me and the Father at judgement. When the Father looks on me, He sees Jesus, perfection, ergo, I passed from death to life. But this world is broken, along with all the people in it and while I won’t be judged for the sin in my life, that sin still exists, and it shows up in me everyday and therefore, I continued to experience things in my life that I regarded as sin.
So the things I regarded as sin, came back and again, here I was, cross-dressing and enjoying my time all dressed up and no where to go, and again, there was that voice, “You’re not supposed to be doing this.” I asked God, if I’m your child, and my life is now yours, will you please take this desire away? He didn’t.
This struggle goes on and on for many more years and finally I was getting married. Here is my chance to rid myself of this once and for all. After all, I must be doing it for the sexual thrill since that’s what the world thinks cross-dressers do. I never stopped and thought about WHY cross-dressing was a strong desire for me, I just took what I thought I knew based on the way the world looks at something and put that on as my mask. But after I get married, I’ll have sex all the time, be satisfied and not need to do this any more. I remember being dressed up in our first apartment, our first house, our second house, yada, yada, yada. Of course that voice was still there saying, “You’re married, you don’t need to do this. You’re not supposed to do this.” I asked God to please take this away from me so I don’t have to do it anymore. He didn’t.
Yeah, this trend goes on and on for many more years and in May of 2013, I came out to C about my history of cross-dressing. Sure I had told her before, but I don’t think she understood just how deep it was. I had to come out because my dysphoria had come to the surface more than it ever had in the past. Needless to say, I begged God to please take this away from me. My life has been His almost 20 years now and I was still fighting it. For 3 more months I wrestled with God begging Him to take it, remove it, I don’t want it if it is going to cause me this much anguish. I pretty much got to the point where I couldn’t fight any more.
C was telling me to fight it, the lady counseling me was telling me to fight it, everything in my head was telling me to fight it, but I felt like laying down and dying. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t have the strength to fight it and I wasn’t going to fight it anymore because I couldn’t. I was giving up. It was out of my hands. August 2, 2013, I had a nervous breakdown. I cried for hours straight. I sat on my couch and stared into oblivion for hours. I didn’t talk to anyone. I went to bed. I was exhausted.
In my moments of wrestling with God, arguing, blaming Him for not taking away my “sin”, I asked a different question than I normally ask. For the first time, in my entire life, I didn’t ask him to take away my desire, I asked him, “Why did you make me like this?” Yeah, this is what I heard.
“There is an entire community of people who I created, that I love, that I want to know me, that I want to be in a loving relationship with. I want to show them love like they’ve never seen before. I want to take away their sin. I want to heal their wounds. I want them to live with me forever. The world has cast them aside because they don’t understand them. They’ve been shoved down because they aren’t like everyone else. I want them to know I am still here. I made you this way in order to be an ambassador for me to them. I made you in the same way I made them so that they can see that I love them just as much as I love you. I want them to experience the peace you’ve experienced. I want them to experience the life transformation that you’ve experienced. I want to be in community with them like I am in community with you. I will transform you. I will reshape you like the potter reshapes the clay to form it into a new vessel for a new purpose. I will give you everything you need to enter their world, but I want to use you so that they may know me.”
Yeah, it came as a shock to me too.
What?!?!?!!!!
You had a plan!?!?!!!!?
A purpose!?!!!!!?
This whole time!!!?!!??!!
Why didn’t you tell me!!?!!!?!!?!
I came to realize that had He told me long ago, I might have not believed Him. I might not have walked a path that gave me the tools I needed to be where I am today. I might not have had access to the people and resources I do today. I don’t think I would’ve been married to C (however, since I believe that our marriage was a TOTAL God thing, it may have happened anyway).
I’m not sure why I asked that question that day, but I did, and God had no problem answering me right away. It’s like His timing is impeccable. So now I stand on a path before me, taking one step at a time. My lamp is lighting just enough of the path in front of my feet and I am trusting God, like I always have, that he will not leave me or forsake me.
Shedding Shadows 