mercy
The Carnival
Sally was always a curious, fun loving, girl who people enjoyed being around. She was nice, compassionate, caring and generally humorous. Mainly she was funny as a means of easing the tensions of others. Being an empath, she could feel the emotions of others and she never liked the stressful and negative emotions, so humor was her weapon of choice in combat.
One day, Sally heard about this thing called a “carnival” and supposedly it was an amazing place where things were wonderful, beautiful, joyful, peaceful, and so much more than human words could describe. She had always heard of this carnival but had never actually seen it first hand until the day she walked through the gates.
On that day, Sally went to the carnival and found a big ticket booth out front with a sign that said, “$20 is the cost of admission.” She didn’t have $20 and she would never have $20. You see, Sally was born with a condition that made it impossible for her to ever earn $20 in order to get into the carnival.
She sat outside of the carnival when the strange man approached her. He said to her, “Sally, do you want to go into the carnival?”. She responded, “Yes, I so desperately want to enjoy the wonderful things the carnival has to offer, but I can’t afford the cost to get in.” The man chuckled and said, “No worries Sally. I’ve already paid the cost for you to go into the carnival. All you have to do is accept it and enter into the carnival.” “Are you serious?,” Sally exclaimed. “Yes, I am,” said the man. “I think you are an amazing person and I care about you. Now go enjoy the carnival.”
Sally jumped up and wrapped her arms around the man, thanked him profusely, and ran over to the gate, explained the situation, and gleefully entered into the carnival to enjoy all of its majesties. Once inside, Sally had never seen such wonders. Life was completely different inside the carnival. She couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was that was different but she felt a sense of peace, joy, and love like never before. She met some very friendly people who were so nice and accepting of Sally for who she was. They too had met the man outside the gate and he too had paid for them to enter into the carnival.
As Sally walked up and down the aisles of the carnival enjoying all the beauty and wonder, she came across some people who sort of took her by surprise. They didn’t appear to accept Sally like the man outside the carnival and they believed that only people like them should be allowed in the carnival. They asked Sally to see her receipt of payment to get in the carnival, but she didn’t have one. All she had was the words about the man outside the gate, and the fact that she was in the carnival and had experienced the amazing things the carnival was. They said she couldn’t have entered the carnival legitimately because she didn’t have anything to show for her payment of entrance.
Sally began to question if she had really made it into the carnival or if she was still sitting outside dreaming it all up in her own mind. She told the people of the man outside the gate who paid her way, but they said, she had to have proof he paid her way. She should’ve received a receipt stating the way was paid. “You have to pay to get in,” they screamed. “No one can enter without paying. Where is your proof of payment?” Sally didn’t have proof so she made her way to the gate and began to leave when the man appeared.
“Sally, why are you leaving the carnival?”
“Well, I can’t stay because I didn’t pay the price for it.”
“Nonsense, I paid the price of admission for you,” he said as he smiled.
“Those people inside said that the cost of getting in was $20 and that everyone had to pay it. No one gets in for nothing. They said I wasn’t really in the carnival because the cost to get in was not removed and was still required. They also said since I didn’t have proof, I was just kidding myself that I was really in the carnival.”
“Oh Sally, I’m so sorry. Let me explain it to you.” The man sat down next to Sally, put his arm around her, and began to speak. “When the carnival was created, only those who could pay the price were allowed in. Of course there wasn’t anyone in this place that could afford the price of admission. It would’ve taken them a thousand years, and power beyond their ability, to earn the cost of admission. Since we loved the people of this place so much, we decided that I would pay the price for those who would accept it and enter into the carnival.”
“The cost of admission didn’t go away. It’s still there, I just paid it for you. You are not responsible for paying that cost in order to enter the carnival. Those people inside the carnival that you encountered are confused. They are right in the fact that the admission price didn’t just disappear because I paid the price. I didn’t abolish it, but I fulfilled it. Due to my love for you and everyone else, I paid the cost so that you can be with me inside the carnival and we can enjoy it together.”
“Ohhhhhh!,” Sally gasped. “I totally understand what you’re saying. Can I go tell everyone I know about this carnival and how you paid the price for them to enjoy it as well?”
“You absolutely can. In fact, I want you to show everyone what it’s like to be in that carnival so we can all enjoy the carnival, because I love them as much as I love you and want to be with them like I will be with you.”
Sally, excited and giddy, wrapped her arms around the man, hugged him tightly, and then ran off to tell everyone the good news. She was so sincere, and joyful about her experiences in the carnival. Some people didn’t listen and believe her. Some people told her they had heard of this carnival but knew they couldn’t afford it. Some people told her they had been to the carnival and had received the free admission, but then left because they agreed with the others who said they needed a receipt and since they didn’t have proof, they were just deceived. However, some people accepted her invitation and went to the carnival. Sally spent the rest of eternity living in the carnival enjoying love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. She still encountered the naysayers, but she knew in her heart what really happened and she lived life to the fullest, walking hand in hand, with the man who paid her admission.
Thailand: An Introspective Journey
If this journey has taught me anything, it has taught me to continually think about everything I say and everything I do. Being bedridden, and not being able to move a lot, or even wanting to move a lot, means I’m not doing a whole lot worth talking about, and I have a lot of time to think about all the decisions I’ve made in my life, even the decisions that have brought me to where I am today.
I have a lot of friends on Facebook who are transmen and transwomen, and I am constantly seeing their experiences, their questions, and their comments to the world around us. One of the trends that I see is people posting their before and after pictures. It is interesting to watch how others react to where a person used to be and where they are now.
When I see the pictures of the transmen, I am floored by the ones who did not previously identify as butch. It is unique to see a beautiful, blonde haired, buxom woman in the before picture and to see a scruffy, handsome, buff man in the after picture. It is hard for me to relate because I think, why would such a beautiful woman not want to be a beautiful woman. The reality is that person sees themselves as a man as much as I see myself as a woman.
The introspection comes when I begin to think about my own life and where I was in the past. I try not to let myself dwell on the thoughts that maybe if I would have been healthier, or had a better body, or presented myself as a better male, then I could have survived, in that place, as that person. I have to ignore those thoughts because I have had those thoughts for decades. I even field tested them for decades, trying to be the better man, trying to be a great husband, trying to be a wonderful father, and trying to be a great role model, in church, in work, to my family, and my friends. It never worked. I was constantly depressed. I was constantly filled with anxiety. I was a terrible husband. I was a less than admirable father. Even my work and my interactions with my friends suffered because of it. Until I transitioned, I never had a really close best friend who was in my life, except for one who lived 800 miles away.
Today, over two years after discovering this thing called gender dysphoria, I have a bunch of really close friends who I hang out with on a regular basis, and communicate with freely and openly. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, knowing that today I get to live in this world completely authentically, and I am now capable of seeing the things I can offer to the world. I have a new and profound understanding of compassion and love because of my experiences. the reality is, I am a better person because of the decisions I have made that have brought me to the place that I am.
As I peruse my Facebook feed, I begin to feel sorry for the people who lash out against same sex marriage, who lash out against Caitlyn Jenner receiving an ESPY Award, who lash out in the name of their faith, a faith that claims the same name as mine, but looks nothing like anything I’ve seen or known before. I feel sorry for them because they lack compassion in that moment. I feel sorry for them because they think what they give is love, but it is not love. I see them call people like myself, deceived, but I believe the irony is lost on them. I believe my experiences have given me the opportunity to see the world through the eyes of Jesus. It’s something that I had asked for, for years. Sometimes I think that is a curse more than a blessing.
Lord willing, I will have 40+ more years on this planet before I head back home. In that time, I’m sure I will always be reminded of how I wished I could have done more. I am glad for the reminders of the past, they help me understand that I am on a journey, that I must look forward and continue moving on. I do not worry too much about the future, for today is hard enough to deal with. If anything, I know this. Many may think that I have done something wrong, something bad, something sinful, or that I am delusional. I pray that they will find the authenticity to live their lives for who they are, without ridiculing others, so they too can wake up every morning with a smile on their face.
Broken Things Made New
Yesterday was the first time that I attended church in about a month. You see, last month I was “unofficially” kicked out of my church. They didn’t tell me to leave, they simply said you can’t come in here dressed as a woman. They left me two choices, leave the church or come back dressed as a guy, assuming my old, fake, acted, persona. Of course I had no intention of putting my chains back on and living a life where tasting the barrel of my gun was a better option.
So yesterday, after a month of prayer and meditation, I decided that I would find a new place to call home. I decided to try a church downtown that I had heard good things about. It was super awesome and was everything that everybody had told me. But what struck me most was one line from the pastor’s sermon.
“Christmas is God’s promise that broken things can be made beautiful again.”
See, I lived my whole life as a broken person. Not the kind of broken that we all experience because we’re all born into sin, but the kind of broken that literally means there was something actually wrong with my body that most people don’t have to deal with. It was something that tormented me most of my life and yet I was made to feel like it was a shameful thing instead of just another piece of the diversity of God’s creation. A lot of people talk about the freedom that Christ brings but I’ll be honest, most of my 20+ years in my walk with Christ I felt free in a lot of other areas, but I never felt truly 100% free in ALL of my life. Once I found out that I was not alone in my brokenness, and there was an actual medical reason for it, and there was an actual, provable, treatment for it, I wanted nothing more than to experience true freedom from it.
The takeaway that hit me personally this morning in service is that God is always working to make things new and to make the broken things beautiful again. My healing and my beautifulness doesn’t look like what the world, or even other Christians, expect that it should. However, I know what the love of Christ has done in my life. I feel the Holy Spirit living inside of me every day, telling me that I am loved, that I am being made perfect every day, and that this broken thing is being made beautiful again.
Shedding Shadows 